All Aboard the Lazy Train

When I was a kid, homework made me cry.

I remember sitting on the floor, parked against the glass coffee table with my mom — books propped open, and homework assignments circled — and I remember crying. I remember saying, “this is too hard.”

It wasn’t too hard. My mom showed me time and time again that I COULD do it. We would get through my homework together, one problem at a time. And yet, every day I would sit at the table, cry, and claim that it was too hard.

Looking back I now know these truths.

It wasn’t too hard, I was just overwhelmed.

It wasn’t too hard, I was just tired.

It wasn’t too hard, I just wanted to play.

It wasn’t too hard, I just didn’t want to do it.

These days, if there’s something I don’t want to do, I usually force myself to do it anyway. Like many, I have learned that “this is the way.” And often, I swallow my tears as I force my way through it.

This is something I’m working on. I’m trying to find the balance between lovingly encouraging myself to do the things I know I need to do (even if I don’t want to) — and especially when they’re for my own good — and lovingly letting myself skip the things that don’t feel good or offer some kind of value or benefit (to myself or others).

But right now, I’m having a hard time. There are a lot of things I have to do that I don’t want to do. And there are even more things I want to do, but still struggle to make myself do anyway.

The story that lives in my head behind this experience is that I am lazy; and all of the negative connotations that this word carries, weigh on me.

But today, instead of beating myself up, and forcing myself to “do” through tears, I’m asking myself these questions…

Am I lazy? Or am I just overwhelmed?

Am I lazy? Or am I just tired?

Am I lazy? Or do I just want to play?

Am I lazy? Or do I just not want to do it?

And is that okay?

I mentioned to you already (in a previous note) that I’m trying to rewrite the script and let go of the old, unhelpful stories I tell myself. But the scripts I have written around laziness, really have me stumped.

I don’t like to sit around and accomplish nothing, but for whatever reason, nothing is all that my body wants to do right now. It’s like there’s a fight constantly going on in my head, and when I think about the things I need to do, there’s a resistance that just makes me want to cry.

I want to cry for all the times the child version of me was forced to do things I had to do, when all I wanted to do was play, and imagine, and write songs…

I want to cry for all the times that the teenage version of me was forced to do things I had to do, when all I wanted to do was stare up at the clouds, count the stars, and write stories about my dreams…

I want to cry for all the times that any version of me was forced to do things I had to do, when all I wanted to do was just live and breathe and be.

And so today, I did something pretty crazy.

I just let myself cry, and I didn’t force anything.

As the energy around you calls for a slow down (yet again) because of more astrological interference, I hope that you give yourself more of what you need, and I hope that you’re spared from any guilt that may come with doing so.

And if the guilt creeps in (like it does for me) turn to your breath. Turn to your art. Turn to your body. And listen.

Xoxo,